The New Guys
by Foxboy
Summary: Minor ANC/SI. Things are picking up, and I'd like help with a new title . . .
1. Interview Transcript #1

***Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime, it'll keep 'em out of my hair.***  
  
**TRANSLATED TRANSCRIPT NT-039-001**  
  
To be included in martial artist infopak NT-039, as well as individual hunk packs 39-1, 39-2, and 39-3  
  
**Draft Copy--from personal recorder**  
  
Oh, thank God! You speak English! My friend over there can speak Japanese very well, but I barely know "Sayonara" from "sukiyaki." Sigh.  
  
Oops! Where are my manners? I believe introductions are in order. My name is Russell Wood. You can call me Russ! The blond guy getting the snot beat out of him is Ken Bakker. Huh? What's so funny? Oh. His last name sounds like the word for "idiot?" Heh. Well, the brown-haired guy over there by Ryoga is our resident translator, John Green. And you are? Nabiki Tendo? That's a beautiful name...  
  
Well, I suppose you'd like to hear our story, right?  
  
I'll take the yen signs in your eyes as a "yes." Short form: we're new martial artists in town, we all have Jusenkyo curses, and, right now, my friend is getting rated on the Nerima scale by Ranma.  
  
Before you ask, I'll get to the curse forms in a minute. I need to explain just why we're here. We want to go home, but in order to deal with the weirdness that goes with a Jusenkyo curse, we need some training. I mean, where else but at the Tendo Dojo would we find teachers with practical experience, right?  
  
And, no, we're not extra fiancees for either Ranma or Akane. Heaven forbid!  
  
Hmm? You need more info? Well, Ryoga said if you asked too many questions to have the answers applied to our tabs. You'll think about it? Okay, but Ranma said we should get it in writing first. Brrrrr. That was one of the most effective "cold death gazes" I've ever seen! Too bad Ken couldn't take advantage of the opening in Ranma's defense you caused.  
  
Ah! A contract! Written in English, no less! You're good. Mind if I read it first? Cool.  
  
Uh-huh! Looks good, but I can only sign for myself. My friends are really paranoid about contracts and stuff. They read everything very carefully. There you go. I hope our business relationship can be mutually profitable. Now, down to brass tacks. Huh? Oh. It's an expression. Kinda like, "Let's get down to business." It's a little archaic, but a lot punchier! Heh.  
  
The whole thing started while we were on our way to an anime convention in Baltimore. We'd gotten to the city okay, but John had gotten us lost on the way to the convention center. We spotted what looked like someone dressed as a character from this martial arts show John's always raving about, so he stopped the car. He hollered out and asked the guy if he wanted a ride.  
  
John had figured that if the guy was walking in costume, then we couldn't be too far from the convention, right? Might as well ask the guy to direct us to the con center. Big mistake. Our mysterious hitchhiker was... Right. Ryoga.  
  
Huh? What anime character was he dressed as? I'm not sure. John is the biggest otaku in the group; he's into everything anime. Ken's into the old ultra-violence and giant robots. I just watch Cowboy Bebop, Outlaw Star and stuff like that. Maybe a few Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movies on the side, but otherwise I just play video games and do martial arts. What style? Jeet Kune Do, third dan, with a red belt in Tai Chi and three weeks training with Ryoga. You've probably already figured out that Ken's style is Okinawan Karate. Don't worry too much about John; he just started doing martial arts three weeks ago, but he had a really good sensei.  
  
Hmm? My Japanese seems good? No. I just know the words that have been widely used in martial arts flicks in the States. What? Who was his sensei? Oh, just some shrivelled up perverted letch called... Wait, he's right behind me, isn't he? No? Well, how about that? Happy surprises me again... What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost. Huh? Happy was your father's sensei? Wow. Small world isn't it?  
  
Anyway, back to our story. Ryoga accepted our offer and John had him direct us. Well, we drove into a tunnel under Chesapeake Bay and came out in Paris. Then, we drove through the Arc de Triomphe and went around Trafalgar Square a couple of times, having somehow travelled to London. After that, we just gave up on rationalizing what was going on and drove around completely lost until we ran out of gas at Jusenkyo.  
  
Ouch! Damn! That looks painful! I sure am glad I'm not facing Ranma. Huh? Why? Well, according to Ryoga, the property damage would be more severe if I somehow had my curse activated while we fought. I'm not sure why, though.  
  
Right, you wanted to know our curse forms. Well, I fell into Paoniichuan, or the Spring of Drowned Leopard. I don't remember the Chinese names of the springs the other guys fell in, but Ken fell into the Spring of Drowned Red Panda. The little ones, you know, not the great big black and white teddy bears. John was lucky. He gets to stay human. Huh? Nyanniichuan? That doesn't sound like what the guide told us John fell into. What's that? Spring of Drowned Girl? Well, yeah, he does turn into a girl. Damn cute, too. You'd like to use his "talents?" Sorry, John said absolutely not. I'm not sure why, but he seemed to expect someone to ask that. Hell, John has been downright scary since we got here. He's the one that led us here after we made it to Tokyo, and he's never left America before our trip. It's almost as if he knows Nerima like a native... Well, that's not important right now. It's my turn to get evaluated. I get to face Ranma's father.  
  
Well, nice talking to you, Nabiki. See you later!  
  
**End Transcript NT-039-001** 


	2. The Story Begins

***Disclaimer: _Ranma 1/2_ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime, it'll keep 'em out of my hair.***

The Tendo Dojo was awash in the sounds of a martial arts battle. Clothes snapped and fists slammed into blocking arms with minute thuds. Grunts of exertion and pain mingled with murmured comments from the gathered spectators.

Kasumi Tendo watched from the doorway, keeping an ear out for the timer on the oven. Her sister, Nabiki, was chatting in English with a confused young man in a loose, blue gi. The Tendo family patriarch, Soun, was sitting next to his friend, Genma Saotome. Both watched the battle with stern determination. Finally, in the corner, Ryoga Hibiki, a frequent visitor to the dojo, was speaking with another young man with short, wavy brown hair dressed in a dingy, Korean-style gi that might have been white once, but was now covered in an irregular pattern of small, muddy handprints and grass stains. Four large backpacks were leaned against the wall, one with a red bamboo umbrella lashed to the top. 

All eyes were on the two martial artists sparring in the middle of the room.

One of the fighters was, unsurprisingly, Ranma Saotome, wearing his trademark red and black Chinese clothes. The other was a muscular, blond _gaijin_ wearing loose gray pants and a tight white t-shirt.

The fight had already lasted a minute, with both opponents testing the other's limits, gradually working up from the basics of their respective styles, and adding more finesse to each successive exchange of blows. The blond stayed solidly on the ground, warily eying his opponent, who leapt and flipped in an impressive display of acrobatic skill.

Ranma was bored.

He had thought that this fight would be a little more interesting. After all, when new martial artists showed up at the dojo, he usually had at least one good fight out of the bargain, and, if he was lucky, he got to learn a new technique, to boot. Sometimes, he even made moves up just to deal with the moves his opponent had.

Not this time.

This time, his opponent was vastly inferior. He couldn't even take advantage of the opening that Nabiki had just caused with her icy glare. After all, this Ken Bakker was only first dan in one of the most common forms of Okinawan karate. Ranma could have beaten his foe easily even before his ill fated trip to China. 

_Stupid Panda_, he thought. 

Ranma blocked an axe kick, grabbed his opponent's leg and swept him to the floor. Bakker rolled back and took up a crane stance. Ranma rolled his eyes at the stance, rushed past his foe's defenses and, with little more than an extended pinkie finger, knocked him to the ground.

"Give up?" he asked. 

Bakker shook his head, not understanding. Ryoga's companion spoke up in English, translating. The light of understanding shot through Bakker's eyes, and he tapped the mats, twice. Ranma stepped back, giving his opponent the opportunity to get to his feet.

"Feh," he muttered. "I didn't even break a sweat." Turning to the translator, he continued, "Hey, Green, who's the next fight?"

"Um," John Green stammered. "I guess I'm your next opponent, but my friend Russ wanted to spar with your father, and I need to warm up. I'm still a bit stiff from the train ride from Juuban."

"Huh," Ranma replied. "Okay, I suppose. Pops has needed to get off his butt all day."

Genma leaped to his feet and smacked Ranma in the back of his head.

"Disrespectful whelp!" the elder Saotome hollered. "I've been meditating to better test the skills of my opponent!"

"Izzat what you're callin' sleepin' with your eyes open now?" Ranma asked.

"It's harder than it looks, boy!"

"Whatever, Pops! It looks like your opponent is coming this way."

Noticing his opponent, Genma bowed to the young man who had been talking to Nabiki. Through John Green, he negotiated the terms of the match.

"All right," Genma began. "Fight to surrender, signaled by tapping out, or unconsciousness."

The translator spoke with Russell Wood, the young man in the blue gi. After a brief exchange, Russell nodded, and added something in English.

"Agreed," John said, "but Russ would like to stipulate two things. One: he would like to have this match outside."

"That's the way I like it, anyway," the elder martial artist stated gleefully.

"Two: he doesn't want Ranma watching this match."

Ranma squawked indignantly, and Genma narrowed his eyes and grinned.

"Gladly. Anything else?"

"Now wait a minute, Pops," Ranma began.

"Quiet, Boy!" Turning back to the translator, Genma continued. "Anything else, or are we set?"

A brief discussion between the two visiting martial artists led to slight nods and a couple head shakes, after which John turned back to Genma. Russ stepped out into the courtyard and stood in a ready stance by the koi pond.

"He's ready," John said. "Just keep it clean. He doesn't have much in the way of ki skills yet."

"I understand," Genma said expansively. "I'll keep it a match of skill." With that, he leapt from the dojo and landed on a rock on the other side of the koi pond from Russell. "We'll start as soon as you close the door to the Dojo." Genma took up a ready stance as John relayed the message to his friend, who nodded.

Ranma made an attempt to move out into the yard, but Soun reached over and gently restrained him. All the other spectators got up and went to the porch, except for Ryoga and the translator. Soun sighed a bit, and then turned to Ranma.

"Son," he began. "This is your father's fight, and it is his right to fight as he sees fit. If he doesn't want you to see this fight, then he must have a reason. Please respect that."

"Okay, Mister Tendo," Ranma agreed grudgingly, and sat down as Soun walked out to view the fight. He turned to Ryoga as John closed the doors and the sounds of battle drifted in. "All right, P-Chan, spill it."

"Who's P-Chan?" Ryoga asked indignantly.

"You are," John said cheerfully from where he had begun to stretch. Ignoring Ryoga's glare in his direction and addressing Ranma, he continued. "Ryoga told us about your... little problem with cats."

"What does my fear of c-c-c-ca... _them_ have to do with anythin'?" Ranma asked. "And why'd you tell these guys, anyhow, Bacon Breath?"

Ryoga bristled, and began edging towards his pack and umbrella. Strangely, John was there already, blocking Ryoga's progress. Ryoga was getting angrier, but John merely shook his head no. Much to Ranma's surprise, Ryoga backed down.

"He told us because we have Jusenkyo curses, too," John said. "Russ has a curse form that Ryoga knew would trigger the Nekoken very quickly."

"You do?" Ranma asked, deflating. "He did? W-what does he turn into?" Ranma was suddenly glad his father had given in to the request to exclude him from the spectators.

"Aiyaa, Mister Customer!" John said in a very good imitation of the Jusenkyo Guide. "You friend fall in Paoniichuan, or Spring of Drowned Leopard! Very tragic story of Leopard that drown in spring 1400 year ago..."

Ranma gulped. He was _really_ glad his father had excluded him. Akane was the only person who could calm him down from the effects of the Nekoken, and she wasn't home from school yet. She had had to stay after school to help clean up the Home Ec kitchen after her disastrous attempt at a soufflé had exploded. The last time he had gone into the Nekoken when triggered by a big. . . one of _them,_ he had acted like a cat for hours. He didn't really like to think about it.

"Um, thanks," he said sheepishly. "I get the picture. Man, this is hard to say... but, thanks, Ryoga."

Ryoga was thunderstruck. He had obviously not expected Ranma to thank him, and appeared to be in shock. John chuckled, and began a kata.

Ranma turned a practiced eye towards the translator and watched as he swooped through a fairly intricate pattern of blocks, strikes, kicks and dodges. Each motion was competent and fluid, with enough power to loosen up his muscles and limber his joints.

_He's not bad,_ Ranma thought. _Not as good as me, but not bad. Hmm. There's something familiar about that kata... It almost looks like. . ._ Ranma shook his head as John finished.

"Where didja learn that?" Ranma demanded. "That's an Anything Goes kata. Only five other people I know of know that kata, and one of them's me."

"Oh, this?" John answered. "You could say that a perverted letch taught it to me."

"You were taught by Happosai?" Ranma asked incredulously. _This guy could be trouble_, he thought.

"Not my choice, believe me. Heck, it's Happosai's fault I've got a Jusenkyo curse."

"He pushed you in?"

"Yup. He was being chased by a winged minotaur thing with tentacles, and I was by a pool, trying to avoid falling in, and the freak used my head as a springboard. I fell in, and got cursed."

"Hmm, that sounds like ol' Pantyhose," Ranma mused. "So, what spring did you fall in?"

"That," John said, putting a finger to his lips and winking, "is a secret."

"Okay, I get it, you don't wanna say, but will you eventually tell us?"

"Oh, I can't avoid it. You know, the whole 'water magnet' thing and all."

"Yeah, tell me about it. I can't even walk down the street without somebody splashin' me at least once..."

Ryoga had finally recovered from the shock of Ranma actually thanking him for something, and caught up with the conversation.

"I thought," Ryoga began, "that you were going to tell Ranma right away which spring you fell in, John."

"Well," John replied, "I want to wait until after our fight, if possible."

"Aren't you at least goin' to explain why Happosai taught you Anything Goes?" Ranma asked.

"Okay," John said. "I guess I have little choice there, but I still won't say _exactly_ which spring I fell into just yet."

"Understandable," Ryoga said, nodding. "I respect your desire to keep that much a secret right now." He began twiddling his fingers, obviously nervous. "You do know, however, you don't have much time before you _have_ to tell?"

"I do," John said. "Anyway, Ranma, it goes like this: I get out of the spring, and discover I'm cursed. Looking down, I realize I'm lucky enough to stay human, but not the same as I was normally. The breasts are a dead giveaway."

"Nyanniichuan," Ranma breathed.

"No," John said. "You do realize that there are at least five other springs at Jusenkyo that can result in a female transformation, right? Don't worry about it too much, I had made the same assumption at the time."

"You _knew_ about Jusenkyo and went there anyhow?"

"I didn't have much choice. I was relying on Ryoga for directions to an anime convention. More the fool, me."

"Feh. You can say _that_ again."

John smirked a little, and said, "That again." A confused look flitted across Ranma's face. John took a deep breath and continued, "Anyway, while I'd been struggling out of the spring, Pantyhose (is that right?) and Happosai had been fighting around the valley, wrecking my car, and knocking my friends into the springs. The old letch had gotten a respite from his fight by hitting him with a couple of bombs. Happi's looking pretty beat up, but then he spots me."

"Oh, man!" Ranma groaned. "Lemme guess, the old freak felt you up?"

"Worse than that. The pervert hollers, 'Sweeto!' and leaps up to me. I'm still in shock, so I don't react to him unrolling a scroll, looking at it, and then proceeding to give me a thorough gynecological examination. I, of course, pass out."

Ranma shuddered. He remembered the first time he'd been groped in his female form by Happosai. It had been traumatic for him, and he'd had the curse for longer than John had had his. So he wasn't just in shock from turning into a girl, but also from being molested by an expert. It was amazing the guy wasn't still catatonic. Ranma felt anger building up inside him.

"That's it!" Ranma shouted. "The old freak dies!" 

"I'm on the same page, Ranma," John said, noticing Ranma's expression. "However, my story's not finished. I found out later that the scroll he had contained a shiatsu technique called 'The Lucky Scholar Point.' Happosai had stolen it from the Nichiezu Amazons. The freak had applied the technique to me because he had thought it was a groping method. And, having looked at the scroll afterward, I could see why. Each tsubo in the technique is located in a very. . . intimate location. Thus, the 'exam.'"

Ranma looked a little green at this. Ryoga looked like he was remembering something that made him _very_ angry. Ranma noted this and set it aside to think about later. He leaned forward and asked a question.

"So, what's this technique supposed to do?"

John thoughtfully pondered the question, and then answered, "It's a memory technique that was created by an Amazon scholar who wanted her lover to be able to carry out an intelligent conversation. It increases the recipients mental and physical memory to almost eidetic levels."

"Eidetic?" Ranma stumbled over the unfamiliar word. "Whassat mean?"

"It means," Ryoga piped in, "that John has near total recall and photographic reflexes."

Ranma blinked. "Photographic reflexes? I've heard of photographic memory, but not photographic reflexes."

"It's not very common," John said. "It means that I am now adept at learning physical skills very quickly. I remember _everything_ I've ever done, said, heard, or felt and how I did it." 

"Hey!" Ranma said, smiling. "That reflexes thing kinda sounds like me!"

John nodded. "From what Ryoga's said, it does. Anyway, I was still catatonic and somehow the guys and Ryoga got me to the Amazon village..." He trailed off, lost in thought.

"What happened next?" Ranma asked, intently listening.

"I can't finish this story until I show you my curse, and I was going to let as many people know about it at once as I could get away with."

A loud double splash came from out in the yard, followed by a couple of shouts.

"Sounds like Russ' curse just got shown," John said idly. Ranma shuddered, not wanting to think about a leopard in the koi pond. The muffled thuds, snarls, and crashes indicated that the fight continued. 

The dojo door slid open, and Kasumi slipped in and shut the door quickly. Beyond, in the garden, the noises stopped.

"Oh, my," Kasumi said. "It appears Uncle Saotome and Mister Wood are done. I'm just going to get the kettle for them." With that, she glided into the house proper. Moments later, Nabiki came in.

"Who won?" Ranma asked her. Nabiki arched one eyebrow and raised her palm in her usual gesture of _pay me._ Sighing, he reached into a pocket and handed her a couple of thousand-yen bills. She stuffed them down the front of her shirt and smirked.

"Well," she said, her voice a sultry purr, "it looks like a draw." Seeing the stare she was getting from John, she posed a little. John flushed bright crimson, making her smirk wider as she sashayed into the house.

Ranma's eyebrows shot up. "Huh," he said, ignoring Nabiki's antics. "Gotta give your friend some credit, Green. If he can fight pops to a draw, he has to have _some_ skill."

"I could have told you _that,_" Ryoga said. "After all, I've been sparring with them since they were cursed. Wood's given me a couple of good fights."

"Izzat so?"

"Yes. He's about as good as you were before the old ghoul got after you. A little more rigid in his style, though."

Ranma turned back to John. "Has he got any ki attacks at all?"

"A couple," John agreed, flustered by Nabiki's antics. "His attacks are fairly simple. No blasts or beams like the Shi Shi Hokodan, just the old 'hand-sword' bit. Although I've started work on a technique based on a speech from his style's first Grandmaster." On more familiar territory, he'd regained his composure.

"An' that is?"

"Bruce Lee's 'be like water' routine." John grinned. "I know what I want it to do, I just need to figure out how to do it."

Ranma pondered this for a moment. "I see. So, Ryoga, what didja think of Bakker's stuff?"

Ryoga thought for a bit, then answered with a grin. "He makes Kuno look good." Good-natured laughter came from the three martial artists.

"That," John said, wiping a tear from his eye, "is so true!"

"You've met Kuno?" Ranma asked him, surprised.

"Yes." John put his hand up behind his head, embarrassed. "I was in my curse form at the time and he hit on me. Ryoga and I sent him packing, though."

Ryoga shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "I didn't help that much," he said weakly.

"Oh, come on!" John said, exasperated. "You told me what a nutbar he was, and that I was better off booting him into Low Earth Orbit, so I did! I wasn't even trying."

"Yup," Ranma said, nodding. "That sounds like a Kuno encounter, alright." Ranma kind of liked the way this conversation was going. It seemed to him that John wasn't a bad guy to know. For one thing, he had actually come up and politely asked for a sparring match instead of tracking him down and challenging him to a grudge duel. The guy also had a similar curse to his own, so he had someone to talk to about the problems facing a man among men who was also an aquatranssexual. This was shaping up to be a good day, after all. The only way it could get any better was if their sparring match proved that John was at least in the middle ranks of the Nerima martial arts community. Ranma could use a challenger who wasn't out to get him for personal reasons.

"Your turn, boy!" Genma shouted from the garden.

"Looks like our match is about to begin," John said.

"I'm ready whenever you are," Ranma replied. "Let's go to it." With that, the three martial artists walked out to the garden.


	3. Fight! Fight!

***Disclaimer: _Ranma 1/2_ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime, it'll keep 'em out of my hair.***

Akane was glad to finally be done cleaning up her mess.

_Honestly,_ she thought, _how was I supposed to know that putting yeast and baking powder in a soufflé would make it explode?_ She scowled, grabbing her books from her locker. _I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't fall, so I could finally cook something right for a change._ Her scowl lifted and she bit her lower lip nervously as she left Furinkan High's grounds. _Well,_ she admitted to herself,_ my curry's not bad, even Ranma said so... Ranma..._She began to daydream about her macho, arrogant, annoying fiancé, who insulted her looks, her cooking and her martial arts skills: her handsome fiancé who made her insides go all gooey when he smirked and who had killed a _kami_ to save her life.

Shaking her head, as though to remove an unwanted thought, she sped up. _I've got to get home soon; Kasumi was going to help me make dinner._ Heartened by her older sister's kind determination to teach her to cook, Akane began to hum merrily to herself.

__

Yappa paa, yappa paa, don't know what to do,

My heart is not just a game; it's mah jongg to you...

She didn't know where she had heard the song before, but it was definitely catchy. Her good mood was shattered, however, as she sped past Mrs. Watanabe's house. She was caught in the face by a splash of cold water as the kind old lady watered her sidewalk in the traditional manner. _That's the fifth time this week,_ Akane thought sullenly, _why am I suddenly as much of a water magnet as Ranma? It can't have anything to do with what happened in China, can it?_ She frowned, remembering numerous incidents since the failed wedding. She really hadn't thought much about it at the time, because every time it had happened, she'd been with Ranma: the sudden broken sprinklers and sun showers, the clumsy waitresses with iced drinks, and the trucks running through puddles.

She put aside the thought as she reached her home. Smiling, she entered the _genkan_ and yelled out, "I'm home!"

"Welcome home!" she heard Kasumi call from the kitchen. The ritual completed, Akane kicked off her shoes and set her book bag down in the hall. Turning back to the _genkan_, she straightened out her shoes and set them neatly beside the others. She saw her father's and Mister Saotome's _geta_ sandals next to Kasumi's simple clogs and Nabiki's trendy sneakers. She also saw Ranma's Chinese slippers next to another pair that, from their travel-worn appearance, looked like they belonged to Ryoga and three pairs of unfamiliar men's shoes. _We must have company,_ she thought as she walked into the kitchen.

Kasumi was chopping vegetables for dinner while humming a happy little tune. Akane was jealous. She wished she could cook as effortlessly as Kasumi seemed to. 

"There you are, Akane!" Kasumi said cheerfully. "I was beginning to get worried."

"Gee, sis," Akane said, "you didn't have to. I was just cleaning up after school."

"Yes, that's what Ranma said," Kasumi said gently. "Oh! Ryoga is visiting again." 

"I'd thought those were his shoes in the _genkan._ Has he been here long?"

"Well, he got here around noon and waited in the dojo for Ranma with his new friends."

"New friends?" Akane blinked. Knowing Kasumi, those "new friends" could have been ravening demons bent on kidnapping her or worse. 

"My, yes! Three nice young men. They've been sparring with Ranma and Uncle Saotome. In fact," Kasumi said, pointing to the four kettles on the stove, "Uncle Saotome just finished sparring with one of them by the koi pond. Unfortunately, they'll be staying for dinner, so I've already started it. I know you were looking forward to helping me, but you were so late coming home..."

Akane sighed. "It's all right, sis. I'm sure whatever you cook will be wonderful." She was heartened by the sunny smile she got from Kasumi. "So, what are these guys like?"

Kasumi put a finger to her lips, thinking. "Well, two of them speak hardly any Japanese at all, so I couldn't really tell, but the third one speaks perfectly. He was so polite!"

"Well, that's good." Akane smiled. _A polite martial artist in Nerima? _she thought. _And it wasn't Kuno? _That was certainly a switch. "Was there anything else?"

"Well," Kasumi said gently, "could you bring one of the kettles out to the garden for Uncle Saotome and our guests? It seems they've all been to Jusenkyo, too, and one of them turns into a leopard..."

Akane paled. She didn't want to imagine what would happen if Ranma saw a leopard. It would probably involve a lot of property damage, whatever happened.

Grabbing one of the steaming kettles, she went into the garden from the main room of the house. She spotted her father playing _go_ with Genma-panda while a large leopard in a blue _gi_ watched with interest. Her gaze was drawn into the intricate black spotted pattern of his pelt. _Wow,_ she thought. _What beautiful fur. _She watched nervously as the big cat yawned, exposing formidable fangs. _Geez, I'm a little scared of him, and I know he's a Jusenkyo victim. _It definitely would not do for Ranma to see this visitor like this. Shaking off her unease, she turned to her father and smiled slightly.

"Good afternoon, Daddy, Uncle Saotome," she said. They responded absently, each trying to take advantage of the momentary distraction to cheat. Turning to the leopard, she introduced herself. "Let's get acquainted. I am Akane Tendo. Pleased to meet you." She bowed politely, and noticed the confusion on the leopard's face.

"Oh, good one, sis," a smooth contralto said slyly behind her. "Russ-chan here doesn't speak Japanese."

"I didn't know that, Nabiki," Akane said to her sister. Nabiki merely smirked and pulled out her expensive Nikon camera and began taking pictures of "Russ-chan." Akane had to stifle a giggle as the leopard began to pose. Again, she noticed that Russ-chan seemed confused. Putting that aside for the moment, she remembered she had a kettle of hot water and two Jusenkyo victims to take care of. Deciding that Genma-panda wasn't a priority, she walked over to the leopard, held up the kettle and mimed pouring. Understanding dawned behind the golden eyes, and Russ-chan nodded frantically. Glad that charades seemed to transcend language, Akane poured just enough hot water to trigger the transformation.

She was impressed with the results. "Russ-chan" had turned into a tall, well-muscled Westerner with short, dark hair and green eyes. _He's good-looking, but no match for Ranma or even Mousse,_ she thought. The gi that he had been wearing as a leopard seemed to fit much better now that it was on a human frame. _I guess he's lucky that his cursed form is able to wear his clothes._ Fighting down a latent urge to imagine the stranger in various states of undress, Akane turned to her sister.

"Could you introduce us, please, Nabiki?" she asked.

"Of course," Nabiki nearly purred. "Akane, this is Russell Wood, third _dan_ in Jeet Kune Do." She smirked, turned to Russell and released a torrent of English too fast for Akane to follow. However, the English word for _sister_ stood out as well as Akane's name.

Russell bowed and hesitantly said, "Pleased meet you." He looked uncomfortable and spoke rapidly with Nabiki.

"What did he say?" Akane asked. 

"Russ-chan, here," Nabiki said, putting her arm around him possessively, "is worried that he sounds stupid because he only knows about six phrases in Japanese." She lightly traced a spiral pattern across his chest. Meanwhile, Russell's face was getting redder and redder. Akane noticed a trickle of blood from his nose as he passed out. "Hmm," Nabiki continued. "Who'd have thought an American could be so shy? Well, I'd better take care of him. Don't want my investment to bleed to death."

"Investment?" Akane asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mmm-hmm." Nabiki caressed Russ's face, turning his head from side to side. "This is A-one prime beefcake, and I'm going to make a _fortune _selling pictures and bio sheets of him." A mercenary gleam sparked in her eyes. "And I've got him under contract, to boot!"

Akane was taken aback. She hadn't seen Nabiki this worked up since her "dates" with Kinnosuke. Leaving Russ under the "tender" ministrations of her sister, she brought the kettle over to Genma. The game was just about finished, so she unceremoniously dumped the rest of the kettle on the lazy panda. She didn't know how Genma kept his clothes when he transformed back, but she was glad of it. She really didn't want to see him naked.

"Thank you, Akane," Genma said, adjusting his glasses. He turned towards the dojo. "Your turn, boy!" he bellowed, startling Akane. She was about to display her displeasure through judicious use of force (preferably a blunt object to the cranium), when the sound of the Dojo's sliding door drew her attention.

Ranma and Ryoga walked out followed by a stranger. _The stranger must be Russ's friend,_ Akane thought. With a practiced eye, she gave him a quick examination. He was as tall as Ranma with wavy brown hair in a slightly moppish short style. His slightly disheveled appearance matched Ryoga's._ He must have been on the road for a while. There's something familiar about the way he moves, but what?_ She noticed the cut of his stained gi. _Perhaps he practices tae kwon do? Or maybe he got it in Korea..._ She supposed he could have been handsome, but Ranma outclassed him. _Better not tell the Baka he's good looking or it will go to his head,_ she thought sourly.

The stranger was looking around casually, nodding to himself. Then, he saw her. A cheerful smile formed on his face as he and the others made their way towards the koi pond.

"Hello!" he said when he reached her. "Permit me to introduce myself. I am John Green, sole practitioner of Midori Ryu Anything Goes Martial Arts. It is a pleasure to meet you."

Akane was shocked. _Another school of Anything Goes? _she thought. Catching herself, she stammered out the proper response to his introduction.

"I-I'm Akane Tendo," she said. "Pleased to meet you, too. Who taught you Anything Goes?"

"He says the freak taught him," Ranma said casually. Behind him, Soun and Genma paled.

"It wasn't my choice," John said softly. "The pervert got me with some technique he stole from the Amazons. Long story short, I've got the skills, but I'm not going to claim the pervert's school as my own. That's the reason I claimed 'Midori Ryu' for my fighting style." He rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Though I may not claim it for long. I'm a little embarrassed to admit Happosai said my style is an awful lot like the Tendo Ryu."

Akane noticed her father's eyes narrowing in response. _This could be bad,_ she thought. She watched nervously as her father rose to his full height and walked over to John. She relaxed a little as his scowl dissolved into a gentle grin. He reached around and patted John paternally on the back.

"Well, son," Soun said. "Why don't you spar with Ranma and I'll decide for myself if I'll let you claim Tendo Ryu as your school?"

"Thank you," John said, relief settling across his face. "That means a lot to me, Tendo-sensei."

"Think nothing of it!" Soun said cheerfully. "Now, how about that sparring match? I hope you'll give us a show at least as good as your friend, Russ."

"I'll try, sir. I just need something before I start." Reaching into his gi, John pulled out one of Ryoga's bandannas and tied it around his head.

"Whatcha doin' that for?" Ranma asked incredulously. Akane kept quiet, wondering the same thing.

"You'll see," John said softly. He looked around a bit and scratched his head. "Has anyone seen Ken?"

"Who?" Akane asked. She felt a tugging at her skirt. Looking down, she saw a red panda holding a sign with "Hello" written in English. "Is this him?" She pointed down. Seeing John nod she continued. "There's another kettle in the kitchen."

"Thank you, Akane," John said. He spoke to the little red-furred raccoonoid in quick English and it disappeared into the house, dragging a t-shirt and a pair of pants behind it. John looked up. "Ready to go, Ranma?"

"Feh," Ranma said. "I've been ready for a while." He leapt up on top of one of the rocks by the koi pond and took an exaggerated one-legged stance. "Let's go."

John grinned and performed an identical leap to a rock on the other side of the pond. He bobbled a bit on his landing, but kept his balance. "If you'll do the honors, Akane?" he asked.

Akane took up a position beside the koi pond equidistant from the two fighters and raised her right hand. She looked to Ranma, whose smirk widened as he nodded his head. She then turned to John, who smiled softly and also nodded. Seeing they were ready, Akane brought her hand down and shouted, "Begin!"

The two combatants leapt simultaneously and met in midair over the koi pond. After a quick flurry of punches and kicks, they landed on opposite sides of the pond. John quickly darted away from the pond and took up a Tiger stance. Ranma's ever-present grin widened fractionally as he leapt to close the distance between them.

Akane saw that Ranma was holding back, only using his physical skill. _Well,_ she thought, _it **is **a sparring match after all. _Watching the match, she noticed something. _Incredible! His style really is like the Tendo Ryu! There's something wrong with his form, though._

As Ranma's leap neared completion, John deflected the kick with a circular motion and launched Ranma skyward. Keeping his eye on Ranma's trajectory, he backed away from the pond and took a new stance. His left arm was in Snake style, his right arm was held in a low knife hand, and he was crouched low. He took slow, powerful steps as he watched Ranma's midair recovery.

"What kind of stance is that?" Akane asked. 

"S-Southern Elephant style Kung Fu," Ryoga answered, blushing. "H-How are you doing, A-Akane?"

"I'm fine, Ryoga," she answered, smiling. Ryoga's grin got wider and he began to fidget nervously. Turning her attention back to the fight, Akane asked, "How is it supposed to help?"

"W-Well," Ryoga said, "it's a power style. John's left hand represents the trunk, and his right represents the tusks. The low stance keeps him grounded. He picked it up about a week ago, and has been using it in sparring matches with me and the others."

"I see," Akane said. Ranma had finally come back to earth._ Wow,_ she thought,_ John's got the same hang time I do in my LEO kicks. I wonder how Ranma's going to handle his new stance._

"All right, Green," Ranma said, circling. "Looks like I've gotta take you seriously."

"If you say so," John said, smirking. He launched a powerful, twisting uppercut that Ranma dodged easily. Unfortunately for Ranma, it had been a feint, and John connected with a chop from his right hand. Ranma grunted, and launched a volley of near-Amaguriken-speed punches that John was hard pressed to block or counter. Fully half of the punches got past his guard.

"Not bad," Ranma commented. "Most people can't block those at all."

"Well," John said, breathing hard. "If I'd been in my cursed form, I would have blocked them all."

"I'd thought your form was a little off," Ranma said, dodging a punch. John had abandoned the Elephant style and was using pure Anything Goes. Throwing powerful punches, John drew closer to Ranma. Seeing this, Ranma began to dodge rapidly. He grinned as he realized John was getting frustrated. 

Something about this fight was nagging at Akane's memory. _What is it?_ she thought. _Why does this look so familiar? Wait a minute; he said he fought better in his **cursed **form?_ She watched as the fight continued, power blows being dodged by Ranma and rapid blows being blocked or redirected by John. Watching John more closely, she began to analyze his style. _I'm not as good at this as Ranma is, but I can try. Let's see... His form is good, but he seems to be aiming high. Could he be used to bigger opponents?_ Ranma was getting closer to John, seeming to taunt him by dodging in his face. He was driving John towards the koi pond. Sensing this, John threw a punch at Ranma's head. _Wait! _Akane thought._ He's overextending, giving Ranma an opening!_ Ranma spotted the opening and threw a punch of his own, but gasped in surprise as John grabbed his arm and threw him into the koi pond.

Covered in a film of sweat, John stood panting and waited. Ranma-chan stood up, spitting out water as she climbed out of the pond.

"That's it!" Ranma growled. "Time to finish this!_ Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken_!" Her fists blurred as she used the technique, delivering hundreds of blows in seconds. 

"_Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire!_" John called as his hands blurred and he blocked most of the hits. Out of five hundred blows, only two hundred twenty-five connected. Panting, he held his side and smirked at the wide eyes around him. Then, his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out, falling into the koi pond.


	4. John's curse revealed!

Author's note: When in Ranma's or John's POV, I will use he/his/him to describe them, even in cursed form. After all, that's how they think of themselves, ne?

***Disclaimer: _Ranma 1/2_ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime, it'll keep 'em out of my hair.***

"That's it!" Ranma growled. "Time to finish this!_ Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken_!" Her fists blurred as she used the technique, delivering hundreds of blows in seconds. 

"_Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire!_" John called as his hands blurred and he blocked most of the hits. Out of five hundred blows, only two hundred twenty-five connected. Panting, he held his side and smirked at the wide eyes around him. Then, his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out, falling into the koi pond.

Soun and Genma whispered excitedly to one another. Then, with maniacal grins on their faces, they rushed into the house and disappeared. Ryoga stood up and calmly walked into the dojo. 

From where she sat with Russ's head in her lap, Nabiki looked on with interest. _Finally,_ she thought. _Now I can see what sort of demand there's going to be for "John-chan" photos. The way he goggled when he saw me in the dojo means I should be able to wrap him around my little finger. A little cleavage, a little show of leg, and he's putty in my hands._ A predatory smile graced her features as she visualized an American version of Ranma-chan with brown hair dressed in some of the racy outfits Ranma had completely refused while Nabiki herself took pictures surrounded by an obscene amount of money. 

Then, she noticed the battle aura surrounding herself, and her own insane giggling. _Better stop that,_ she thought, clamping down with her normal icy control. _Wouldn't do for anyone to have seen that._ She looked around, suddenly realizing that she had missed something. Ranma had pulled John-chan from the pond and was helping Akane carry her into the dojo. Worse, Nabiki hadn't gotten a good look at the neo-girl. Nabiki rapidly made what assessment she could from where she sat.

_Darn,_ she thought. _Little sister, you just _had_ to be in the way._ Akane held John-chan's upper body, while Ranma had hold of her legs. Beyond that, Nabiki could only tell that John's current form wasn't much larger than Akane. As gently as her contract would allow, she set Russ down on the ground. She smirked as she rose from her position by the pond, already scheming. Checking her camera, she realized she needed more film. Moving rapidly, she headed to her room to get it.

Unnoticed in the garden, Russ was beginning to stir, and Ryoga had already gotten lost.

*****

Finally reaching the dojo, Ranma-chan and Akane brought John's unconscious cursed form over to the futon that Kasumi had ready. She was waiting with a bowl full of water and a washcloth, ready to play the angel of mercy as she had so many times before. At her direction, they set John-chan down next to the futon, Ranma releasing her legs, and Akane gently lowering her upper body to the floor. The borrowed bandanna had slipped down and covered her face.

Ranma was nervous. He didn't think he'd hit John _that_ hard. _I mean,_ he thought, _if he can pull off a Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken, then he's gotta be pretty good, right?_ He reviewed the fight in his mind. John had displayed amazing skills for someone who had said he'd only been practicing martial arts for three weeks. _Waitaminute. He's only been practicing for three weeks! _Ranma relaxed. He knew what was wrong, now. _He's got the skills, but not the conditioning! _

"Oh, dear," Kasumi said while checking John's vitals. "She seems to be exhausted."

"He, Kasumi," Akane muttered absently.

"Of course, little sister," Kasumi said cheerfully. "let's get these wet clothes off of he- er, him, so he doesn't catch cold." With that, she reached for the bandanna.

Akane glared at Ranma. "Get going, Ranma, leave this to us girls." She grabbed Ranma's shoulder and began to gently "escort" him from the room, when Kasumi removed the bandanna.

"Oh, my!" Kasumi exclaimed. "John-chan looks just like you, Akane!" She blinked and looked back and forth between John and Akane. Akane just stood in shock. Ranma recovered quickly.

"Aw, man," he said. "Poor guy. He fell in the Spring of Drowned Uncute Tomboy." _Oh, shit,_ he thought suddenly. _The ol' Saotome foot-in-mouth technique again. _Nervously, he turned to Akane, whose battle aura was at full power.

"Ranma you jerk!" she shouted and punched him hard in the upper arm. She looked down at John, and her aura winked out suddenly. A concerned frown tugged at the corners of her mouth.

_Wow,_ Ranma thought._ She's really out of it. Normally, I'd be on my way to the canal by now. _"Um, Akane, you okay?" he asked.

"I-I don't know," Akane said weakly. Tears formed in her eyes. Ranma gulped. 

"There ain't no need ta cry, Akane!" Hesitantly, he moved to hug her, and winced when their breasts brushed each other. He'd forgotten he was still a girl at the moment. Much to his surprise, she returned the hug fiercely. He had been hugged hard before, but he had never initiated the contact like this. Unlike when Shampoo glomped him, this felt right. Drawing courage from her response, he pulled her in closer and patted her back. Looking over to Kasumi, he saw her beaming at him. She gestured to him to continue, so he did. "Everything's gonna be okay."

"But it's not, Ranma," Akane said softly. "His life is ruined. Who'd want to turn into me whenever he was splashed with cold water?" Resting her chin on Ranma's shoulder, she began sobbing softly. "Damn that bitch, Kiima!"

_Aw, man, _Ranma thought. _What am I gonna do? I ain't no good with these situations! _He nervously looked around and only saw Kasumi pulling a blanket over John's body. The gi John had been wearing was in a sodden pile next to her. _Well, that's taken care of, I guess._ Ranma took a deep breath.

"Akane," he said, cupping her chin in his hand, "as nice as it is to hug ya, if our folks saw us like this we'd be married by morning." Akane's eyes widened, and she scooted away quickly, drying her tears. She smiled softly.

"Thanks, Ranma," Akane said. "Maybe you're not such a jerk after all."

"An' maybe you're not uncute, either." Ranma said. "You're still a Tomboy, though."

"Rannnnmaaaa!" Akane hissed.

"Whoa! Easy, Akane!" Ranma said. "We got somebody sleepin' over there." He pointed at John.

"Yes," Kasumi interrupted. "We should let John-chan sleep, and supper's almost ready. Akane, could you set the table? Good. Ranma, could you let everyone know supper will be ready in five minutes? Good!" Ranma and Akane jumped and quickly complied.

_After all,_ Ranma thought, _who can say "no" to Kasumi?_

*****

Ken Bakker was pissed.

His arrival in Nerima was supposed to have been a glorious paen to his greatness. Instead, he'd been ridiculed and humiliated. His skills had been belittled by that... _boy,_ Ranma. He would have won that sparring match if Ranma hadn't cheated. Just like Ryoga did._ I'm a black belt, dammit! _he thought. _That's supposed to count for something, right?_ He'd trained hard for five long years, an hour after school, then work, five days a week. He'd won state and regional tournaments. He was twenty-one years old; in the prime of life, even! 

He was also, at the moment, a small furry creature. Again.

He had gratefully followed directions to the kitchen for some hot water, and had rapidly put his clothes on. He had learned the technique from Ryoga, and Kasumi had barely blinked before he had poured the hot water on himself and dressed. He chose to ignore the fact that he'd put his underwear on backwards for now.

He'd grabbed a glass of water and began to drink. _Watching a good fight is thirsty business,_ he'd thought. Then, just as he'd gotten one swallow down, Soun and Genma had dashed through and caused him to spill water all over. The result: two pandas, one red and one giant, and one wet martial arts sensei. Ignoring Ken and the transformations completely, the older men had continued whatever mad scheme they'd concocted, blubbering words he didn't understand.

_I wonder what "in a zoo key," "kay kong," and "day she" mean, anyway,_ he thought. From what John had told him about what to expect, he rather expected that two of those meant "fiancee" and "wedding," or something similar. Sighing, he put the thought out of his mind and began gathering his clothes. The task was made much harder by the lack of fully opposable thumbs, and he grumbled as best he could with his current vocal abilities.

_I hope this doesn't happen again, _he thought. _There's only enough hot water left in the kettles for one..._ His eyes narrowed as a black paw shot through the kitchen doorway and snagged the last kettle. _...Transformation. _

In rage and desperation, he thought the only thought that came to him. _Ranma, this is all your fault!_ Then, he blinked._ No, it's not Ranma's fault, but damned if I know just whose fault it is._ He nodded to himself, as though this made sense. _Anyhow, I still gotta get that cheating bastard, Saotome!_

Full of pride and determination to make Ranma's life miserable, he scampered out of the kitchen.

*****

Russ looked around and tried to orient himself. He was human. Check. He was by the _koi_ pond. Check. He was also completely alone. He sighed. Check.

With a quick motion, he kipped up from flat on his back to his full, upright and locked position.

_Russell Wood, _he thought to himself, _you are just too witty for words. Heh. _

"Now," he said. "Where is everyone?" Looking around, he spotted movement in the dojo. He quickly made his way over, and saw two figures walk out. One was a petite, well built redhead dressed in Chinese clothes and the other was... _John's cursed form?_ _Dressed in a school uniform? _He was flabbergasted, until he remembered meeting her before the fight.

_That has to be Akane, _he thought. _Which makes the redhead... Ranma? _The clothes matched, and it seemed logical in light of the concentration of Jusenkyo curses in the area. Russ fought down a surge of disappointment. Another hot girl he couldn't date because she was really a guy. He wouldn't even try with Akane; John had said she was hot-tempered, and Russ could only look at her and see John, anyway. _I mean, they move exactly the same in girl form! I'm gonna have to be very careful around here. _He smirked a little. _Bakker's gonna get _so_ pounded here. The little furball has been asking for it since Jusenkyo, anyway._

Putting his skills at observation to the test, he watched the pair as they walked to the house, then parted ways. _Okay, first off: they are both at least _dan-_ranked martial artists. Akane's probably fourth- or fifth-_dan_ in at least one style, if not more, and Ranma is beyond my ability to estimate. Next: they care deeply about one another, but are unsure of how to proceed. _The close proximity and nervous intimacy was a dead giveaway. His smirk widened into a huge goofy grin. _Oh, boy! I get to play matchmaker! _He hadn't had a chance to pair people off since high school. He remembered his numerous successes in getting cute couples together. Unfortunately, it seemed he could only use his matchmaking skills for others, and not himself. He sighed.

Planning and scheming, for the greater good, of course, Russ walked into the dojo.


	5. Moving right along...

***Disclaimer: _Ranma 1/2_ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime; it'll keep 'em out of my hair. ***

Soun grinned at his friend and co-conspirator, Genma. He was holding a brand-new _gi_ and a belt denoting a fourth_-dan_ ranking. Normally, he wouldn't have bothered, but his prospective student was a foreigner. Foreigners seemed to expect the belt-ranking nonsense that Soun, Genma, and Happosai discarded as unnecessary to the Art. As if a colored bit of cloth proved anything; the very idea was ludicrous. He snorted and resumed his grin.

"It's so exciting, Saotome!" he enthused, tears forming in his eyes. "I have another student worthy of learning Anything Goes!" 

"Indeed, Tendo," Genma said. "Green has shown incredible skill for a _gaijin_. His endurance, however, leaves much to be desired."

"A minor detail," Soun said, "and of little consequence. After all, he trained under the Master..." Soun and Genma glanced furtively around, trying to make sure the perverted gnome was nowhere around. Soun lowered his voice. "... And his 'Midori Ryu' is _identical_ to the Tendo Ryu. Let's pull his fragment back into the Tendo School so that when Ranma and Akane marry, the schools _will_ be united."

"And you could use another sparring partner," Genma said, smirking. "You're a little out of practice, you know. I can't face you seriously until you're back in fighting form." Soun's shoulders slumped.

"You're right, Saotome," Soun said sadly. "I haven't been able to train Akane since she was twelve. She reminds me too much of her mother..." Soun began weeping softly. "Oh, Kimiko, my love, why did you have to leave me?" Soun whispered.

Genma shifted uneasily. Dealing with emotions had never come easily to him, and Soun's all-too-frequent mood swings were something he couldn't understand. All he knew was how to snap Soun out of them. He took up an authoritarian pose and prepared to speak. The effect was ruined by the fact that he didn't look at all authoritarian, but instead he looked like a rather shifty individual _trying_ to look authoritarian and failing miserably.

"Well, Tendo," Genma said. "We could ask Ranma to train Akane while you get Green up to our standards... and while they train..."

"Their love will bloom..." Soun said, hope growing with every word.

**_"And the schools will be united!"_** Soun and Genma shouted in unison.

*****

Nabiki paused on her way to the Dojo, and shook her head sadly when she heard the two old fools yelling about uniting the schools. _Don't those two realize_, she thought, _that Ranma and Akane would have been already been married if not for all their hare-brained schemes? Not to mention a few of my own_. Nabiki frowned slightly. Was she feeling guilty? She considered for a moment. She was. _Damn_. She shook her head to clear it of such disturbing thoughts. _Much better. Now to get pictures of "John-chan."_

Making sure the new roll of film was properly inserted into her camera, Nabiki continued on, and almost tripped on a small, furry shape. She looked down and realized it was Ken Bakker in his cursed form. He was holding one of Genma's panda-signs that read, "Hello there, someone else's wife!" _Well,_ she thought,_ Green is knocked out. He won't be going anywhere anytime soon, so I can make some quick money off of this idiot._

"Have accident, Bakker-_san_?" Nabiki asked dryly in English. She intentionally roughed her accent up a bit, so that "Bakker" came out "Baka." She grinned to herself as the small furry martial artist nodded pitifully. _No need_, she thought, _for him to know I'm perfectly fluent just yet. _She pointed to herself. "Can get hot water, _ne?_"

The enthusiastic agreement in Bakker's eyes transcended language and speech barriers. It also made it easier to ignore the panda sign saying, "Ashura ate my dinner! Boo hoo!" Nabiki's trademark predatory smirk graced her features. 

"Will cost one thousand yen," Nabiki said. Then, noting the blank look on Bakker's muzzle, she sighed. "Is about ten dollars, American." _Dawning comprehension, _she thought wryly, _looks so cute on a red panda!_

Ken dashed around the corner and returned quickly with a large leather wallet in his mouth. With practiced ease, he pulled out a single green bill from it. He took the bill in his forepaws and presented it to Nabiki. She took it eagerly, and gave it a quick once over.

Something wasn't right about it. Nabiki had seen American currency before and this was different. True, it was the right shade of green, but the portrait was larger than she expected, and off-center. She looked closer, and sighed in relief when she noticed the denomination and that the seals were correct. _They must have finally decided to update their bills, _she thought. With a long practiced gesture, she placed the bill in her usual place and went to get the kettle from her room that she had prepared for just such an occasion.

"I come back soon," she said, still playing her part to the hilt. "Be good panda and stay, yes?" 

She took the jaunty salute and the sign reading, "I saw the whole thing! Even now as I recall it..." as a yes. _He really needs someone to tell him not to use Genma's old signs until he can read Japanese,_ she thought. 

*****

Kasumi smiled softly as she watched John's sleeping form. _So much like Akane,_ she thought. _Well, I suppose that's understandable, considering his curse_. The smile was short-lived, however, as John began REM sleep. The neo-girl's neutral expression was changing to a frown and she began to thrash about, throwing off the blanket Kasumi had put on her.

"Oh, dear," Kasumi fretted. "I'm going to have to find a nightgown or pajamas for John-chan if she sleeps like this." _It just won't do for her to sleep naked_. Looking around the room, her eyes were drawn towards the three backpacks against the wall.

They were large, Chinese-style backpacks like Ryoga's. One was red, another was blue, and the last one was green. Kasumi took a wild guess and thought the green backpack had to be John's. She was hesitant to open it, because it just wasn't good manners to rifle through another's belongings without permission. Walking over, and looking closer, she noticed a note pinned to the green backpack.

She examined the note. It was written in quirky kanji, but was perfectly legible.

****

Kasumi--

If John is unconscious after his sparring match, please wash his clothes.

They're in this bag.

--Ryoga

She smiled. She had permission. 

Opening the pack, she was surprised by how efficiently it was packed. There appeared to be more things inside than she would have thought could possibly fit. Right near the top were a garment bag and a denim bag marked with the word "Laundry" in both English and Japanese. Kasumi pulled these out and set them aside, then closed the pack back up, as she had seen no other clothes in it.

Curious, she opened the garment bag. Inside were a red flannel nightgown, a red satin cloak of some sort, and a strange blue-green mantle. They seemed to be clean, so Kasumi removed the nightgown and closed the garment bag.

_This should do nicely,_ Kasumi thought, fingering the nightgown, _although it looks a little large for John-chan's cursed form. _With quick, sure motions, she put the nightgown on John. She was relieved when the neo-girl's thrashing slowed down, then slowly stopped. She smiled again when she heard John talking in her sleep.

"Thanks, Big Sister Kasumi_,_" John murmured.

"You're welcome_,_" Kasumi said gently, "Little Sister_._"

*****

Russ looked on in shock at the scene before him. The eldest Tendo sister had just dressed an unconscious John in the robe from his Rezo the Red Priest costume. That wasn't what shocked him, however.

"_Arigatou, Kasumi-neechan_," John murmured.

"_Dou itashimashite_," Kasumi said gently, "_imoutochan_."

_That_ was what shocked him. True, he couldn't understand the Japanese being spoken, but he understood the underlying tones and body language. Kasumi had just "adopted" John.

He sweated nervously as Kasumi noticed him in the room. She smiled. 

_God,_ he thought, _she smiles like an angel_. He felt his heart flutter in his chest. He shook his head and realized that she had been speaking to him and was now looking concerned.

"_Daijoubu desu ka, _Wood-_san?_" Kasumi asked.

"Huh?" he asked intelligently. "'Dye-job desk?" He frantically thought of all the Japanese he knew. Then, in a flash of inspiration, he remembered one of John's favorite Japanese phrases. He turned to Kasumi and spoke in the deep, serious tones he remembered from the subtitled version of Kurosawa's _The Seven Samurai._

"_Ore no atama wa ouki chiizu de gozaru yo,_" he said.

*****

"Mah head is a big ol' cheese, that it is," Russ said in deep, serious tones.

Kasumi stifled a giggle. _Russ-san is so silly! _Then, she noticed his confusion. _Of course! He doesn't speak much Japanese!_ She racked her brain for the English she had learned in school. True, she had been a straight "_A_" student, but she hadn't really practiced much. Her sister, Nabiki, was much better at it than she was. Hoping she got it right, she spoke.

"You all right are?" she asked. The dawning light of comprehension on Russ's face rewarded her.

"Yes," Russ said. "Is John okay?"

"John-_chan_ tired is." Kasumi thought for a moment. "Her sleep, we should let. However, dinner is soon ready." She was shaking off her rustiness, slowly but surely.

"Thank you, Miss Kasumi."

"You're welcome, Russ-_san_." Kasumi smiled and gently led Russ out of the Dojo. "You to dinner, I take."

*****

**Next time on _The New Guys:_**

Nabiki discovers several secrets about John, Russ, and Ken!

We discover what happened in the three weeks between Jusenkyo and the guys' arrival in Nerima!

Kasumi says, "Oh, my!"

Shampoo makes an appearance!

Kaoru smacks Kenshin with a _shinai_... oops, wrong fic... Akane mallets Ranma! Or not! 

Everyone finally eats dinner!

Coming as soon as I write approximately 20 KB worth!


	6. Tonight's menu: BEEF TIPS!

Author's note: When in Ranma or John's POV, I will use he/his/him to describe them, even in cursed form. After all, that's how they think of themselves, ne?

***Disclaimer: _Ranma ½ _belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime; it'll keep 'em out of my hair. ***

Dinner was going to be anticlimactic. Well, Nabiki thought so, anyway.

She had been about to go to the dojo to get some pictures of John's cursed form, when Ranma told her that dinner would be ready soon. Gritting her teeth at the delay, she returned her camera to her room and then washed up. She smiled a little as she passed her father and Genma being turned away from the dojo by Kasumi's firm but gentle insistence that "John-_chan_ needs her rest."

Her smile faltered a little when Kasumi turned a "that means you, too, little sister" glares her way. Someone from outside the family would never have been able to tell it from her normal, sunny smile. Seeking relief from the uncomfortable stare, and thereby acknowledging Kasumi's will, Nabiki let her gaze wander to the person behind and to the left of her sister. 

Russell Wood looked uncomfortable. It was understandable, really. Nabiki knew he didn't speak much Japanese, and Kasumi was politely haranguing the two elder martial artists. All Russell would know was that she was speaking rapidly, but gently. On top of that, he was being held by the hand like a recalcitrant child.

She briefly considered letting him stew for a bit, but remembered one of the clauses in her contract with him: "should the party of the second part (Russ) be discovered by the party of the first part (Nabiki) in a situation that would be considered embarrassing due to the party of the second part's lack of knowledge of Japanese language and/or culture, the party of the first part is obligated to render appropriate assistance, as determined by said party."

Appropriate assistance, in this case, would be to remove Russ from the uncomfortable situation. Nabiki walked over.

"I'll bring Russ-chan to dinner, Kasumi," she said. Suiting word to deed, she took Russ's hand and gently led him away. She tried not to think about how handsome he was, for a _gaijin_, or how his muscles rippled beneath his blue _gi_... _Stop it, girl!_ She thought angrily to herself. _Control._ She was startled when Russ spoke.

"Thanks, Nabiki," he said in English. "I have no idea what was going on there."

"Well," she said, "Kasumi was just trying to prevent my father and Mr. Saotome from disturbing John's rest." 

"Oh. That's all right, then. Heh. She must have been reading them the riot act or something."

Nabiki tried to puzzle out the strange idiom, then gave it up. "Or something. Here we are, the dining room."

Russ looked down at the low table with such an expression of dismay that Nabiki had to smile.

"You've never eaten dinner in a Japanese home before, have you?" she asked idly.

"Um," he answered intelligently. "Where are the chairs?"

Nabiki pointed to the cushions around the table. "We sit or kneel on those," she said. "Allow me to demonstrate." With that, she sat, in proper Japanese style, at her normal place at the table and patted the cushion next to her. Hesitantly, Russ sat down cross-legged beside her, and looked at the eight place settings. He looked at Nabiki and smiled nervously as he took up a pair of chopsticks. She noted with interest that she wouldn't have to show him how to use them. She also noticed how cute that nervous little smile made him.

She derailed that train of thought as Ranma brought in a confused-looking Ken Bakker. Akane, her father, and Genma entered soon after. Everyone took their accustomed seat, except for Bakker, who was placed at the foot of the table, across from Soun. She noted, with some amusement, that Bakker was holding one chopstick in each hand and had tied a linen napkin around his neck. 

Kasumi arrived moments later with a platter laden with food. Moving with an airy grace, she set it down in the middle of the table to gasps of appreciation. A brimming bowl of beef tips was flanked by the vast quantities of rice present at any meal at the Tendo Dojo. Ten bowls of miso soup skirted the edge of the platter, and a serving bowl containing stir-fried vegetables completed the arrangement. Both Saotomes and Bakker were leaning forward with ravenous expressions on their faces, their mouths watering.

Nabiki glanced over to see how Russ was faring. His eyes shimmered as he gazed with rapt fascination at the hearty repast set before him.

"Wow," he whispered reverently. Continuing in normal tones, he said, "This looks absolutely divine! And the aroma!" He turned big puppy-dog eyes towards Kasumi. "You are an angel, Kasumi. One of God's angels of the kitchen!"

Nabiki was about to translate, when she noticed Kasumi's blush. She frowned. _This means I'm not going to have to translate for Kasumi. That could cut into my profit margin..._ She was so disturbed, that she almost didn't hear her sister's response.

"Please, Mister Wood," Kasumi said demurely. "There's no need to flatter me." She lowered her eyes, embarrassed by the praise.

"That wasn't flattery," Russ said softly, looking at Kasumi. "It was the unvarnished truth."

Nabiki recognized the look in Russ's eyes and fought down a pang of jealousy. _He's smitten,_ she thought. _At least it's Kasumi and not Akane. _She ruthlessly beat down the stab of jealousy that even considering the possibility of Russ liking Akane brought. Her little sister had almost as many admirers as Ranma did. _What is it about Akane that turns boys into addled fools?_ She turned to the table to distract herself from something she could ponder later.

Across the table, Ranma and Akane were unusually quiet. Usually, they had had an argument or were starting one by now. Tonight, they were sitting next to each other without incident. Akane seemed a little withdrawn, and Ranma looked at her, concerned. Fortunately for them, Soun and Genma were discussing something and had completely missed it.

_They must have been discussing their latest plan to get Ranma and Akane together,_ Nabiki thought as her father began the meal. Kasumi served the two guests, then her father, and then finally her sisters and herself. Ranma and his father served themselves.

Russell set down his chopsticks, crossed himself, and murmured grace. Then, he picked up his chopsticks and began eating. Nabiki noticed that he ate carefully and appeared to be savoring each bite. Bakker, on the other hand was trying to figure out his chopsticks. Shrugging, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a Swiss Army knife. He pulled out the fork attachment and began eating at a pace to rival the Saotomes, who had begun their usual dinner war.

Nabiki dug in to her own dinner. The beef tips were tender and savory; the rice was perfect. She sighed in contentment. _Kasumi's outdone herself_, she thought. She caught movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to watch.

Ken Bakker had entered into the Saotomes' food war. He was sneaking food off Genma's plate while Ranma distracted the older martial artist. Nabiki saw that his fork allowed him to steal a lot more food in one pass than the flashing chopsticks employed by his opponent. A wide, toothy grin stretched across his face as he took the last beef tip from the plate. He'd gotten away with it, too. He stood up and stretched, speaking rapidly in English. He then walked in the direction of the bathroom.

"What," Soun asked, "did he say, Nabiki?"

"He said, 'Thanks for the meal,'" she said. "He also said he was going to take a bath, if that was all right with you."

"Well. That's all right, then. What harm could it do?"

The meal ended in silence, and Russell offered to help Kasumi clean up. Five minutes of gentle refusals and offers followed, with Kasumi finally giving in. Nabiki noticed a slight smile on Akane's face as she watched them. Nabiki could understand her smile. It had been months since Doctor Tofu had left, and Kasumi had retreated into her shell even further. Intellectually, she knew that Kasumi in any relationship was a Good Thing. Emotionally, however, she was in a jealous snit.

_It's not fair,_ she thought. _I saw him first!_ She took several deep breaths, calming herself, and watched as Akane and Ranma went into the living room to watch TV and do their homework. They were walking a little closer to each other than she had seen in a while, which surprised her. _Did I make a mistake when I sent those invitations to break up the wedding? Does she really love him, despite all her protests otherwise?_

Disturbed, she looked to see if their fathers had noticed. They were in the middle of an intense _shogi_-cheating match, completely oblivious. Sighing to herself, she went to her room to do her own homework and update her accounts.

*****

Soun's eyes widened in horror as he looked about the devastation wrought on the bathroom. It was covered in soapsuds, towels, shampoo bottles and puddles of tepid water. At the epicenter of destruction, Ken Bakker sat whistling merrily, taking a bubble bath, and playing with a rubber ducky.

In the_ furo_.

True, his bath had seen worse. The various visits by Pantyhose Tarou came readily to mind. The "devastation," such as it was, was negligible, really, in the grand scheme of things. It wouldn't cost much of anything to return the bath to its original, pristine, state. In fact, Kasumi could probably take care of it in five minutes. So, the mess wasn't what upset him.

What upset him was, the filthy _gaijin _was putting a ring around the _furo_. In a Japanese bath, one washed and scrubbed off the dirt _before_ one relaxed and soaked in the furo. This allowed others to enjoy a good, hot, and _clean_ soak with a minimum of fuss. In fact, even with all the use and abuse his bathroom took in the course of what was jokingly referred to in Nerima as "normal" life, the water in the _furo_ only needed to be changed once a day.

Soun was willing to give his guest quite a bit of leeway in etiquette. In fact, he had been able to forgive quite a few things already. It was, after all, a mark of a good host to ignore the minor things a guest might do to upset him. Thus, he forgave the execrable table manners. His best friend Genma's were worse. He forgave quite a lot, actually. This Ken Bakker was actually more polite than many of Ranma's friends, rivals, and/or fiancées, but none of _them_ had desecrated the sanctity of his favorite relaxing spot like this. This... This... _atrocity_ was intolerable.

Something needed to be done, and Soun was the one to do it.

*****

Ken never knew what hit him. One moment, he was sitting in the bath, relaxing in his accustomed Avon Strawberry Bubbles with his rubber ducky, Mister Quack-quack; the next, he was running for his life from a hideous, green skinned, evil face screaming at him in some infernal dialect he couldn't understand. Of course, that meant it could be any of earth's languages other than English.

He ran screaming, not caring where he went, or that he was naked. He tripped over a carelessly placed leg and went flying into the _koi_ pond, activating his curse. He struggled out of the pond on his four legs and shook out his fur. He located Mister Quack-quack, picked him up with his teeth and scrambled for the nearest possible refuge: the Dojo. He barreled past John's sleeping form and crashed into his knapsack.

_At least,_ he thought as he lost consciousness, _I was able to save Mister Quack-qua . . ._

*****

Russell stumbled wearily towards the dojo. The day's events were fresh in his mind, but he really needed to sort them out. The sheer insanity of the day almost made him wish he'd ended up in _Neon Genesis Evangelion_'s Tokyo-3. Better to deal with giant monsters and government conspiracies than love-starved, shape shifter martial artists.

_I really wish I'd seen more of the _Ranma 1/2 _anime,_ he thought. _Then I might know what's going on around here._ He snorted to himself. _Doesn't matter. I've got to deal with it, anyway. _His thoughts turned to at least one way to deal with the situation. _When in doubt, fall in love!_ He smirked wryly. The phrase had been his motto throughout high school. Of course, he was able to apply it only to others. He'd had infatuations before, of course, but they'd never been reciprocated. In fact, he had two infatuations going right now. His thoughts turned to the two beautiful women he'd met today.

The odd thing was, they were both fantasy women. Kasumi was the repressed housewife, a gentle, loving mother figure. Nabiki was a dangerous _femme fatale_, sensual, alluring and incredibly intelligent. Strangely, he saw the potential for each sister's traits to appear in the other, given the right circumstances. Perhaps Nabiki would make a wonderful mother when she had children. Perhaps Kasumi had more on the ball than she was showing, and was just waiting for the right man to come along. Russell sighed.

_Who do I like more?_ he wondered. _Kasumi? She's a wonderful cook. Nabiki? She'll be a multimillionaire before thirty. _"They're both so wonderful!" he exclaimed. "I kinda wish I could have them both!" Lightning crashed in the distance.

*****

In his room, Tatewaki Kuno sneezed. Concerned, he tilted his head and considered the numerous portraits of his two loves.

"Beneath the downpour, someone thinks of me," he said to himself. "Perhaps the fiery Akane Tendo? Or, by chance, the lovely Pig-tailed Goddess? I know not, and yet wouldst I discover..." He shook his head. "It matters not, and, in time's full measure, my loves shall loud proclaim their true passions! Come the dawn to Furinkan's hall and soon, soon shall I break the foul sorcerer's spell!" He rose to his feet and struck a dramatic pose, hitting his head on a heavily framed picture. He slipped into unconsciousness and, as he had many nights previous, finally went to sleep.

*****

Rain fell in torrents upon Russell, forcing him into his cursed form. Grateful for the night vision all leopards possessed, he padded his way into the dojo. Too tired to do much else, he curled up on a futon placed next to his backpack and slipped into a deep sleep filled with dreams of a beautiful woman to share his life with. If her hair and wardrobe flickered between mousy and provocative, he didn't really mind. Not at all.

*****

John woke to the realization of three things. First, he was in his cursed form. Second, he had to go to the bathroom. Finally, it was That Time of the Month.

Sighing, he rose from the futon and absently noted that Ken and Russ were sprawled out, sleeping, in their respective cursed forms. Looking down he realized someone had dressed him in the robe from his Rezo the Red Priest costume. _So,_ he mused,_ that wasn't a dream, but a memory. _Having Kasumi call him "_imoutochan_" had felt oddly reassuring. _Of course, I would've liked being called "_oniisan_" or "_otoutochan_" instead, but being another little sister will do, considering... _Shrugging, he stepped out of the dojo and into the yard. 

It was early in the morning. The stars were still mostly visible, with a lighter smudge on the eastern horizon. Low, dark clouds were scattered about the sky like the stuffing from a doll mangled by a Rottweiler, but the smell of the air promised a sunny day to come. However, with this being Nerima, one expected sudden cloud bursts even on the clearest of days. All was still, as if in anticipation of the chaos that was sure to come once the sun rose. 

A slight smile crossed John's face. He didn't often get up this early, so he treated the tranquility as the gift from above that it was. Being a fan of _Ranma 1/2_, he knew how rare peaceful moments were at the Tendo Dojo. His curse and the effects of the Lucky Scholar Point added to his insight. _I'll have to tell Ranma and Akane about that,_ he thought. _I don't want to put them through a repeat performance of what happened when the Neko-ken came out of the bag. _He sighed as he noticed the sky lightening.

Today was going to be a bitch and a half. He smiled at the unintentional humor, and then frowned. It was Saturday, and the half-day of school meant that there would be ample weirdness at the Dojo later. There was also something else bothering him.

He really had to pee. The cramps weren't helping matters any, either.

Answering the not-so-subtle urgings of his bladder, he made his way into the house and almost ran into Kasumi. He noticed she looked freshly scrubbed, and her hair was slightly damp. She was wearing her normal attire, and was just tying her apron on. John smiled gently and moved to steady her.

"Good morning, Kasumi," he said as cheerfully as his current mood allowed. Kasumi beamed at him.

"Why, Good morning to you, too, John-_chan,_" she replied. "The bathroom is available, now."

"Thanks, sis!" John said. He began to rush off, but then stopped and turned around, remembering something. "Um, is it okay for me to call you 'sis,' Kasumi?"

"Why, of course!" she said. "It's nice to have another sister." She blinked a bit, and then looked concerned. She nervously wrung one corner of her apron. "Or should I consider you a brother, considering your curse?"

"Why don't you call me both?" he asked, laughing softly. Kasumi regained her smile and smoothed her apron.

"I'll do that," she said. "Is there anything special you or your friends want for breakfast?"

"Hmm," John pondered, putting a slender finger to his lips. "I think... I think I should fix breakfast for them, Kasumi." Kasumi's eyes widened a bit. John noticed, and continued, waving his hand back and forth. "It's all right, I'm not as hopeless in the kitchen as Akane is. Besides, I don't think the guys can handle a normal Japanese breakfast. The only rice they're used to in the morning goes 'snap, crackle, pop!'"

"I suppose it's all right," Kasumi said hesitantly. "What will you need?"

"Flour, eggs, oil, baking powder, and bacon or ham. Cheese and cabbage would be nice, but aren't necessary."

Kasumi thought for a moment, and then said, "All right. We do have those. I'll leave them on the counter for you." She began to head towards the kitchen, and then called over her shoulder. "Oh, by the way, John-_chan_, I washed your clothes, and they are on the dryer in the changing room. Ryoga left a note saying they needed it."

"Yes," he said, wrinkling his nose, "they did. Thank you very much, sis!" He dashed off, praying he'd make it to the bathroom in time.

Thankfully, he made it. Feeling a little better, but not much, he went into the changing room and found his clothes. They were neatly folded and segregated into "his" and "hers" piles. Of course, the "his" pile was much larger, consisting of the clothes, mostly t-shirts and shorts, he had packed for the convention, a Chairman Mao suit, and two sets of Chinese silks like Ranma's usual attire. The "hers" pile contained three changes of simple, white cotton panties and three sports bras. There was also a cheongsam and an Amazon "pantsuit." John knew the armor that went with it was still in his pack.

He was pleased to notice that the _gi_ he had worn to fight Ranma was hanging up on the bar and immaculately white. _Trust Kasumi to remove even the most stubborn stain,_ he thought wryly. He'd had it laundered five times in China and no one had been able to remove the handprints left by Happosai, much less the grass stains caused by sparring sessions with Ryoga and Russell. He touched the fabric. _Still damp. Kasumi must have gotten up even earlier than usual to take care of this. I'll have to do something special for her._

He shucked his robe and carefully placed it into the laundry basket. He then wrapped a towel around himself, preserving what "feminine modesty" he had. He posed a little, admiring his reflection in the mirror. It was rather strange to see the attractive Japanese girl in the mirror aping his actions, but he'd gotten used to it while he was in China. Smiling, he put up the "Occupied" sign on the door to the furo and entered. He walked over to the faucet and filled the scrub and rinse buckets with hot water. Sloshing a little of the rinse water on himself, he returned to his proper form and gender. He sighed in relief as the cramps disappeared.

_That's much better_, he thought. He sat on the stool and began scrubbing. He marveled at how muscular he had become in the last three weeks. The intense physical activity of traveling with Ryoga had effectively banished the "fanboy flab" he had carried since high school. Of course, carrying four enormous packs around because he was the only one who still had hands when he got wet was part of it, too. He finished scrubbing and dumped the rest of the hot rinse water over himself. He put the buckets away where they belonged and then got into the _furo_, reveling in the warmth and relaxing. He leaned his head back and let memory wash over him.

**Flash.**

_He cursed as his car sputtered and jerked, knowing full well he'd run out of gas. He turned to the person beside him. He would have said something, but the expression on Ryoga's face stopped him cold. Following the lost boy's gaze, he looked at the hundreds of springs dotting the area. Each spring had a bamboo pole sticking up from it. _

He could hear Russ and Ken asking where they were. He was in numb shock, but managed to speak in unison with Ryouga.

"It's . . ."

**Flash.**

_She awoke to find herself surrounded by black feathers from the crows that had abducted her. She blinked and took in her surroundings. When she realized where she was, the blood in her veins froze._

"Oh!" she said. "This is . . ."

"The cursed training grounds," a silky voice said behind her, "Jusenkyo." She had heard that voice before. Arrogance colored it even beyond the slight Chinese accent. She turned to face her abductor.

"You!" she yelled, voice dripping fury. "You're that Kiima person!" She took up a basic stance and prepared for battle.

**Flash.**

"Shit!" he yelled. Ryoga had just applied a Bakusai Tenketsu _to his car door and raced towards the springs. He turned to Russ and Ken. "Guys, this place is dangerous. Don't leave the car unless your life is in danger, got it?" Seeing the blank, terrified looks, he assumed they did. He undid his seat belt and got out of his wreck, er, car. _

He began running after Ryoga. He noticed how muddy and treacherous the footing was as he ran by three springs. Looking ahead, he saw Ryoga wandering in circles. Ryoga slipped and fell in.

"Oh, man!" he said, wincing for Ryoga, but was relieved when he saw the lost boy stand from the pool, human and laughing in joy. Until he walked out and splashed into another pool. Ryoga's exclamation was quite different when he emerged from the second pool.

"Bwee!" P-Chan cried mournfully.

**Flash.**

She was having a hard time dodging Kiima's feather darts, but she was doing it. She noticed that the feathers were slicing chunks off of the training poles. In desperation, she did a rolling dive and snagged a double handful of sharpened bamboo stakes. She unleashed a volley of her makeshift daggers at the Phoenix person.

Her opponent dodged the missiles as several of the crows began to attack. Lashing out, she knocked them out of the sky and into one of the pools. Seconds later, several black frogs sprang out.

"See?" Kiima taunted as she sprinted away. "If you move carelessly, you'll end up like that, too!"

If I get caught, _she thought, _Ranma will . . . _She cut off that line of thought and continued running._

**Flash.**

He stood at the edge of one of the pools, having just barely stopped in time to avoid falling in. Sighing in relief, he looked around cautiously and saw a little man being chased by a huge winged . . . **thing**. They were coming his way. Fast.

Oh, shit, _he thought as Happosai slammed into his head and knocked him over. Waving his arms frantically, he fell into the pool._

**Flash.**

She heard the faint crack and suddenly fell. Water was covering her head, pouring into her mouth. She couldn't breathe! She couldn't breathe! Everything was going black . . .

**Flash.**

John shot upright in the bath, shivering despite the warmth of the _furo_. Deciding he'd had enough, he got out, wrapped a towel around his middle and made his way into the changing room.

Suitably dried and feeling clean, he chose his clothes for the day. For sheer practicality, he grabbed the lone pair of bikini briefs he owned. He knew they'd fit comfortably if he went girl unexpectedly, having tested them before buying. Besides, he just wasn't a "boxers" guy. He grabbed his black _Hand Maid May_ t-shirt and his green "Ranma outfit" and quickly got dressed. 

He palmed a maxi pad and a couple of Midol, just in case. Embarrassed, he grabbed his clean clothes and returned to the dojo.

__

*****

Akane woke to the realization of two things. She had to go to the bathroom, and it was That Time of the Month. The sudden shout and splash she heard outside made her realize a third thing: Ranma and Uncle Saotome were awake and fighting.

"Honestly!" she muttered. "Every morning!" Strangely, she was angrier with Uncle Saotome than Ranma. 

She got out of bed and stretched. All things considered, it looked to be a good day. She looked around her room and carefully opened her underwear drawer. Looking inside, she counted seven pairs of panties and seven bras. She also still had the lingerie she had worn under her dress at the failed wedding attempt.

_Better not think about that,_ she thought, suppressing a twinge of fury at almost everyone she knew. _The fact that I still have underwear at all is a good sign._ Happosai had been missing since he had drunk the cask of Nanniichuan. If he had been around, he surely would have wiped her wardrobe clean.

She grabbed her plainest undergarments and her workout clothes and got dressed. Adjusting her headband, she pulled out her school uniform and laid it on the bed next to another set of under things. _There! All set for when I get back from my jog._

She made her way downstairs and stopped by the kitchen. An unusual aroma was floating in the air, so she poked her head in the doorway to see what was going on. Kasumi was in one corner, preparing the usual breakfast. Akane gasped when she saw John at the stove, cooking something. She made her way into the kitchen, and cleared her throat. Both cooks turned to face her.

"Good morning," she said.

"Good morning, Akane," they both replied. Kasumi had her normal blissful smile, while John had a slightly roguish grin. Akane had to keep herself from giggling when she saw the pink, frilly apron he was wearing. He noticed the stifled giggle and chuckled wryly.

"What's the matter, Akane?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Never seen a man in a frilly, pink apron before?" He turned his attention back to the stove, where Akane saw he was tending to a frying pan filled with something. On plates next to the stove, she saw piles of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. With a sudden movement, John heaved the pan up, flipping what looked like an okonomiyaki. He did a back flip and caught the item in the pan.

"Showoff," Akane muttered with a tinge of jealousy. Speaking louder, she continued. "Is that an okonomiyaki, John?"

"No," he replied. "It's a pancake. Much easier to make." He turned a practiced eye to the pan and slid the pancake onto a stack of four others. "I'll have to teach you how to make 'em, later." Akane watched with fascination as he took a bowl of batter and spooned it into the frying pan. The batter hissed as it formed a round puddle. "Watch carefully, the secret to a good pancake is knowing when to turn it." Bubbles began forming in the batter, and John grabbed a spatula. When the edges were beginning to brown, he flipped the pancake with the spatula. Akane marveled at how round and golden brown it was. After a couple of minutes, it was done and joined the stack. He covered the plates of breakfast goodies and handed them to Kasumi. "Could you keep these warm until the guys wake up, big sister?"

"My, yes. Certainly, little brother," Kasumi said gently. Akane's eyes widened. She had been about to ask how he could be so forward, when Kasumi accepted his endearment. She almost jumped when he spoke to her.

"You're going on your jog, right, Akane?" he asked. She nodded dumbly. "Can I come along? We have a lot to talk about." She nodded again, unsure of what he meant. "Great! I'll meet you by the gate in two minutes."

Slightly dazed, Akane made her way to the gate and waited for John to arrive.

*****

Author's note: The dialogue in the flashback regarding Kiima comes from the Ranmascan project's translation of _Ranma ½ _Volume 37.


	7. Light conversation

Author's note: When in Ranma or John's POV, I will use he/his/him to describe them, even in cursed form. After all, that's how they think of themselves, ne?

***Disclaimer: _Ranma ½ _belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees. Used without permission for nonprofit entertainment. Go buy some copies of the manga and anime; it'll keep 'em out of my hair. ***

*****

Akane glanced sidelong at her jogging companion. John was keeping up nicely, and was even pushing her a bit. He'd surprised her, actually. He seemed to know exactly where they were going. So far they'd jogged in relative silence, but she could tell he was working up to something. She hoped it was something innocuous; she was feeling irritable today. Mustering what control she had, she waited for him to speak.

"Um, Akane?" John asked nervously. They had just reached the halfway point on Akane's morning route.

"Yes?" she responded. They turned around and began the two and a half kilometer return trip to the dojo.

"Has Ranma told you anything about me yet?"

"Well, he said Happosai did something to you at Jusenkyo, but he wouldn't go into detail." Her eyes widened as a thought struck her. "He didn't . . ." she began in a shocked tone.

"He did," John said grimly, "and he went one worse. Imagine the worst grope he's ever inflicted on you or Ranma, multiplied by a factor of ten." Akane blanched as John continued. "Then, imagine that you can't forget one. Little. Detail." He was seething, his hands balled in fists and his teeth clenched in rage. "I can't, you know."

"You can't what?" Akane asked timidly as John seemed to deflate.

"I can't forget. Anything." John blinked and looked over at Akane. Seeming to notice how scared she was, he smiled ruefully. "Sorry if I scared you, Akane, I have an Irish temper, and it's, um . . . well . . ." He scratched the back of his head nervously and blushed. "I'll get back to that."

Akane laughed softly. "I've got a bit of a temper, too," she said. 

"Trust me," John said, smirking, "I know."

"What?" she asked sharply, with a dangerous glint in her eye. _How dare he? _she thought. _This boy barely knows me, and he dares to . . ._

"It's my curse," John said simply as they turned the corner.

"Oh." Akane deflated. "Um, what is it like for you? The curse, I mean."

"The physical part of it isn't too bad," he said thoughtfully. "Well, except for my 'Time.'" He grimaced. "I'm glad I'm a guy right now."

Akane was shocked. _He has a menstrual cycle? If **he** does, then Ranma . . ._She digested what John was implying. "Is . . . is it your 'Time,' now?" Seeing John's grimace and nod, she jogged in silence for a bit. "Wait, you said 'the physical part.' Does that mean there's more to your curse?"

"Yes," he said softly. "I'm sure you've noticed how good my Japanese is, but think for a moment; is there anything unusual about my accent?"

Akane thought for a moment, and realization hit her like a truck. "You speak perfect, unaccented Japanese! No, wait a moment. You speak Japanese like . . ." She faltered. " . . . I do."

"Yes. The Guide said that if the old freak hadn't applied something called 'The Lucky Scholar Point' just seconds after I acquired my curse, I would have only gotten the ability to speak Japanese and maybe a couple of subconscious mannerisms."

"What did this 'Lucky Scholar Point' do, then?" Akane was afraid of what the answer would be. She'd seen his fight with Ranma . . . _Oh. My. GOD. He doesn't know a new school of Anything Goes. He knows Tendo-Ryu!_

John looked at Akane, his expression almost unreadable. "The technique gives the recipient eidetic memory and reflexes. I remember everything that has happened to me, and how to do any martial arts or gymnastics moves I've ever seen. The pools at Jusenkyo take advantage of the shock of transformation to do a sort of 'core dump,' filling the victim's brain with all the knowledge of how to use the cursed form. It's how Mousse can fly as a duck. In my case, the core dump included the life experiences of one Akane Tendo, and I can't forget a single detail."

Akane staggered a bit. He knew everything she did? _No, he knows more. I'm sure I've forgotten a lot of things, and he says he can't forget._ "How were you able to keep it all straight?"

"I wasn't." John chuckled ruefully. "The shock of what Happy did to me was enough to shatter my mind, Akane. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder."

"What?" Akane blinked confusedly as John sighed.

"Multiple personalities. It took over a week of intensive mental therapy in the Amazon village before I was able to function somewhat normally. At one point I had forty-nine discrete personalities running around in my noggin." He tapped his temple. "Right now, I only have two." He noticed Akane edging away from him. He sighed softly. "You don't have to be scared of me, you know. Elder Mouthwash wouldn't have let me out of the village alive if I'd been dangerous."

"And what reason would I have to trust an Amazon Elder?" Akane asked sharply. She had opened up the distance between them a bit. "You've also admitted that you're crazy."

"Yes, I have, but so is Ranma."

"No, he's not!"

"What about the Neko-ken? Wouldn't you call that a split personality?"

"Well, yes, but he only goes into that when he's scared by a cat!"

"And I only slip into my other personality under extreme stress. Besides, I hardly think your twin sister would be dangerous."

"Huh? That's your other personality?" Akane slowed down as they reached the gate in front of her house.

"Yup." John said, smiling gently. "I think she's pretty much what you would have been like if you'd had _my_ memories crammed into _your_ skull."

Akane would have asked about his statement, but their arrival coincided with Kasumi's announcement that breakfast was ready. They quietly joined everyone at the table, and only Ranma and Kasumi noticed they ate in perfect synchronization.

*****

Konatsu Kenzan rose from his extravagant bedding and prepared to have a sumptuous breakfast. He smiled as he saw the large amount of money Ukyo-_sama_ had left him to eat with.

_She spends too much on me,_ he thought wryly as he dressed in his kimono. It was a lovely shade of pink and had several beautifully done paintings of okonomiyaki on the sleeves and near the hem. He'd had it for a while, but it was still presentable. After all, it only had three patches on it. Shaking his head, he quickly finished his repast. He sighed and daintily set his bowl and chopsticks down.

"Oh, Ukyo-_sama_," he said sadly. "Wherever you've gone, please come back soon." Using the speed and precision that was his birthright as the legendary genius _kunoichi_, he straightened out the layers of clean cardboard he used as a futon, and then neatly arranged the newspapers he used as a blanket. He was terribly concerned with how long Ukyo-_sama_ would be gone. She had left him ten thousand yen. He could eat for a couple of months on that, even if he splurged and had rice with _two_ pickles, like today. Sure, she had said that she would be back in a couple of weeks, but he worried anyway. She had flat out refused to let him come along. He had only agreed to let her go alone because she finally had come out of her depression following Ranma and Akane's failed wedding. His worry was only exacerbated by the fact that she had had a manic gleam in her eyes and had been sing-songing the phrase, "Ran-_chan_'s gonna forgive me!"

He sat at the counter and sighed deeply, holding one of Ukyo-_sama_'s throwing spatulas. Someone walking by outside would have seen a delicate girl crying over an artifact left behind by the man she loved. They would have been very close to being right, except for the genders involved.

*****

The valley of Jusenkyo was shrouded in mist as the sun rose over the Bayankala mountain range. As light filtered into the valley, the mist lifted in slow, languorous patches, revealing hundreds of pools dotting the landscape. Each pool had at least one bamboo pole jutting up from its depths. The poles were there for the purported purpose of martial arts training, but few used them for such anymore. They were primarily used by Pi Xu, the Jusenkyo Guide, to mark the springs that bore curses. The valley showed signs of having flooded recently, and all the poles were new. A little hut stood dark and empty in one corner of the grounds, awaiting the arrival of Pi Xu (whom we shall call Peach) and his daughter Pa La-Mu (whom we shall call Plum) for the day's work.

On the other side of the valley from the hut stood a pile of twisted metal and broken glass. At one time it had been a nice passenger sedan, but the only part of it left undamaged was a single metal plate, painted green and white, and embossed with letters, numbers, and the words "Vermont" and "Green Mountain State." It was a new addition to the scenery at Jusenkyo, only having been there for three weeks. The damage was extensive, but an observant viewer would notice that all the damage looked like it had been done by enormous fists and the body imprints of a man no more than three feet tall. Said viewer would also notice that the remains of the trunk lid had been ripped off, exposing the empty space beneath.

After the sun cleared the spires of the nearby mountain range and finished banishing the mist, Peach arrived for work with his daughter in tow, and a sack of wood on his back. He had finally gotten funding from the government in Beijing to provide proper signs for each of the cursed pools, and was going to start putting them up today. Opening the hut and starting up the stove to warm several kettles of water, he admonished Plum to stay away from the Spring of Drowned Pony for the thousandth time. Seeing her play with the doll one of the last visitors to the springs had given her, he smiled gently and began to paint the sign for Nanniichuan.

The phone rang. Peach frowned and answered it on the second ring.

"Hello, People's Jusenkyo Tours," he said. "How can I help you?" He paused. "Yes, Comrade Political Advisor." Another pause. "Yes, I do have the receipts." He paused, again. "I'll be right down as soon as I get a babysitter for my daughter. No, it won't take long. Thank you. Good bye." He reached over and flicked the handset switch. He then dialed the number for the only phone in the Amazon village. He waited three rings for someone to pick it up.

*****

Loofah sat dejectedly in the small hut, which housed the village's telephone. While she was still taking some care of her appearance, her sadness dimmed her beauty. Her long emerald hair, normally bound in a complicated Amazon hairstyle, hung loose. She was going without makeup, and she was wearing her plainest clothes. She sighed.

_I should be on my honeymoon right now,_ she thought. _If only that stupid Pig-Boy had waited to find out that I **knew** my _Airen _was really a man cursed at Jusenkyo . . . He just saw me kissing 'her,' and assumed the worst . . ._ She shook her head and thought of the wonderful man who had proposed to her in such a romantic fashion.

The Jusenkyo Guide had led a motley crew into the village, consisting of a piglet, a red panda, and a foreign girl lashed to the back of a leopard. There had been a lot of commotion about their arrival, but the Guide had asked for Loofah's grandmother, Mouthwash. They had been immediately escorted to the healer's care, and, incidentally, her own.

Loofah smiled softly and ran her fingers through her hair. Smirking, she gazed at her hands. They were healer's hands; soft, graceful, and supple. They were also a warrior's hands: strong, and having the telltale calluses possessed by Amazon swordswomen. She grimaced a little. She had often been teased by the other girls for being a healer's apprentice instead of a proper Amazon warrior. Forcefully, she turned her thoughts back to happier memories.

She had been called into the examination room as the Guide had finished explaining about the patient's symptoms and her, er, _his_ curse. The other Jusenkyo victims were in the waiting room, having finally gotten hot water. She had gotten a good look at his natural form as they had begun examination. His features were suitably exotic. He was, after all, a Westerner, just like her own grandfather. He was even from the same country. It had been lust at first sight. 

He had required intense mental therapy, and Loofah had been there throughout it all. She had had no idea it was possible to fall in love so many times with the same person in such a short time, but she had. She had made close friendships with his female personalities and fallen for all of his male ones. She had even taught him Chinese, in the three dialects she knew. She had been extremely glad when, after a mere week, her grandmother had declared him well enough to go out into the village unattended.

She knew the others who had come with him had been lying low for the time they were in the village. Apparently, they had been extremely nervous about getting into any fights there. Thus, she had had him all to herself on a long, romantic walk on the outskirts of the village. They had talked about their respective hopes and fears, world history, and other such "sweet nothings." They had even walked back to the village hand-in-hand. He had stopped in the middle of the village and knelt before her, drawing stares and startled looks from the Amazons milling about.

"Liu Fa of the Nichiezu Amazons," he had intoned in the formal dialect. "I, John Green, an outsider male, would like to challenge you for your hand in marriage." She had gleefully accepted, and the battle began. Neither one of them had held back, and the battle lasted for a good hour. Somewhere in the middle of the battle, John had been splashed, but he hadn't stopped. Loofah had ended the battle flat on her back with John straddling her, a fist at her throat. "Do you yield?" He'd asked softly.

"Yes," she had replied, tears of joy in her eyes as he helped her up. She had embraced him and whispered, "_Wo da Airen_," in his ear. She then proceeded to kiss his brains out. Rather, she would have, if it hadn't been for a black and yellow blur screaming "NO!" in Japanese. The eternally lost boy had taken her _Airen_ away from her, the force of his passing leaving her ears ringing. Even now, she could still hear it.

When the sound came again, she realized that the village's phone was ringing. Blushing profusely, she answered the phone.

"Hello, Joketsuzoku Village, Liu Fa speaking," she said, and listened to the person on the other side. "Why, Pi Xu! It's good to hear from you again! You need a baby sitter? I'll be glad to. I just need to let Grandmother know, and I'll be right over. What? Oh, sure, no problem. I'll even do it for nothing. I need to get away from the 'sympathetic' ministrations of my sister Amazons, after all. Uh-huh. See you soon, bye!"

She quickly got someone to cover the phone post in her absence and ran back to her home. After telling her grandmother where she was going to be and paying her respects to her grandfather's shrine, she gathered her Flying Tigers jacket and the English textbook that her grandmother had given her. She accepted Mouthwash's warning to stay as far from the springs as possible with a half-hearted "I'll do my best," and dashed off on the shortcut to Jusenkyo.


End file.
